Topanga and I invested our imaginary $1,000...
in the stock market.
- And how did you do? - We kicked Wall Street butt.
Yet, none of the companies we invested in...
discriminate on the basis of race, sex, or bad karma.
You got to love her.
You got to lock her up.
Well thought out, Mr. Minkus.
Very politically correct, Miss Lawrence.
Which company's next?
Mr. Feeny, this project wasn't due for another week.
This is just a progress report, Mr. Matthews.
Those companies Who've made progress should have no problem.
Ahem. We have a problem.
Our investment plan is...
proceeding.
We are pleased to report we have absolutely no losses.
And we haven't fired anybody, and nobody quit.
They haven't even started yet.
No?
[BELL RINGS]
Come here.
In the week that you have left with this assignment...
I Want to see some real effort.
Mr. Feeny, "effort" is my middle name.
'Cause it starts with "F '."
I'm glad our company is making money...
because as the future mother of my children...
you are going to live in the lap of luxury...
because I am a provider, babe.
Minkus, anyone can draw lines on a chart...
and say they're making money.
You know, you guys are big talk...
because you're bigger than me...
but when it comes to using your brains...
how confident are you?
More confidenter than you.
Let me handle the negotiations, Mongo.
What have you got in mind?
I say we forget Feeny's imaginary money...
and we invest real money and see who comes out on top.
I don't have a real $1,000.
You get an allowance, don't you?
That five bucks is sacred. That's my snack money.
- Afraid? - No.
- Yes. - Make it ten.
- Are you nuts? - Fifteen.
Apparently, I'm invisible.
- Twenty. - Twenty-five.
Topanga, make them stop talking.
As an equal partner in our corporation...
I'd like to have a voice in this.
Fine. Let me set it up for you.
It's me against them in a battle of wits.
$300,000.
Ten bucks it is.
There's a sucker born every minute.
TWo that minute.
I'm just going to give this to Minkus now...
so I don't get attached to it.
It's been real, Abe.
OK, I've got an idea.
Let's call my Uncle Frank. He knows horses.
You want to bet our allowances on a horse?
Come on. Uncle Frank puts our 10 bucks on a 5-to-1 shot.
Bingo, bango... fifty bucks.
We win the bet, we sell our story, we're movie stars.
Shawn, I just have one question.
If your uncle knows how to make money this easy...
how come he lives in a trailer?
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
We bet our whole week's allowance on a horse.
I can't breathe. My lungs can't take it.
I got... gastritis.
Hey, who sent you a valentine?
"Dear Boom-Boom..."
That's what my dad calls my mom...
when he thinks no one's listening.
Boom-Boom?
Yeah, it makes me sick, too.
"Roses are red, violets are blue...
"Valentine's Monday, let's rendezvous."
They're always leaving goofy notes for each other...
secret meetings, romantic weekends.
When you're a parent, that's all you have left.
Yeah, my folks are romantic like that.
Last year for Valentine's Day, my dad rotated my mom's tires.
ANNOUNCER: And now the results...
of the ninth race from Aqueduct.
It's posttime.
The winner is Tuna MeLt by a neck...
followed by Hot Wax and Jacob's Ladder.
Tuna MeLt paid 19. 80 to win...
8. 60 to pLace. and 5. 40 to show.
- Aah! - What? What?
- We won! - How much?
This times this.
Ninety-nine bucks.
- Aah! - Aah!
- What is the matter? - We won!
He means the Flyers.
Sudden death overtime goal. Very exciting.
You guys act like you had money on the game.
Oh, mom.
What is this?
Breathe in. [INHALES]
You oK, Mrs. Matthews?
Huh? oh, yeah. I'm fine. I was just thinking...
I got to get a sitter for Monday night.
Breathe out. [EXHALES]
I started babysitting when I was around twelve...
and you're almost twelve.
Maybe you could stay with Morgan.
The job pays $2.00 an hour.
Whew. Two bucks... that's a lot of money.
Mom, you know what?
Keep the two bucks and buy yourself a nice dress.
Gee, thanks, Cor.
OK, Monday night. I'll take a chance on you.
Whew. You almost spilled the beans to Boom-Boom.
Hey, we just won a hundred bucks.
- Yes! - Yes!
[IMITATING SHOTS]
- Hah! - Hah!
& Doo doo doo doo doo &
& Doo doo doo doo &
Come here, guys.
Now... would this bother you?
All right. Your name is Brianna Henshaw.
You're the best-looking girl in school.
So one day you see me...
accidentally stumble into your best friend Debbie...
and inadvertently French-kiss her.
Now you won't go out with me. Why won't you go out with me?
I'm a little bit country.
You're a little bit rock 'n' roll.
Hey, Eric, you like this girl...
well, then, you got to take a big risk.
- I know about this. - oh, you do?
Well, I'm always eager to get romantic advice from a fetus.
The point is, you're never going to win her over...
unless you do something bold, unless you take a risk.
That's how I live my life. I'm Risk Boy.
After careful market analysis...
product testing, and strategic planning...
we bet on Tuna Melt to win.
You gambled with your $10?
- It's $1,000. - oh, right, right.
You invested your money on a racehorse?
And we won.
Call the police, Mr. Feeny. It's illegal for minors to bet.
Well, now, he has a point, Mr. Matthews.
Yes, he does. Good point, little nerdling.
Except in this assignment...
we're supposed to be businessmen and businesswomen.
And as we all know...
it's perfectly legal for men and women to play the ponies.
Mm-hmm. Although I don't condone gambling in any form...
Mr. Matthews and Hunter have demonstrated...
a basic tenet of American free enterprise...
the bigger the risk, the bigger the reward.
- Risk, risk, risk. - Reward, reward, reward.
Oh, please.
I think they were very bold.
Gold digger.
A hundred bucks and an "A."
It just doesn't get any better than this.
I am a dating god. Worship me.
Ignore him. Maybe his big head will float him upstairs.
I was bold, I took a risk...
and now I got a date with Brianna Henshaw.
And you should be saying thank you to whom?
The Helco Locker Company of Madison, Wisconsin.
- Why? - I stuffed myself in her locker.
Eric, when I said take a risk...
I didn't want you to become a stalker.
I only had to wait in there for, like, three periods.
I mean, she came back from math, and there I was...
her compact bundle of love.
The greater the risk, the greater the return.
What's this?
"Dear Pooh-bear..."
From mom to dad.
Ooh. Boom-Boom's reply.
"Blue is the violet, red is the rose.
"Wear that sexy cologne, and meet me at 8:00...
at the place where you proposed."
Poetry is not Boom-Boom's strong suit.
Poetry. Girls love poetry.
Uh, there once was a guy in a locker...
Who just got a date... what a shocker.
You are a real chip off the old Boom-Boom.
Hey, Shawn, can you reach your Uncle Frank right now?
Yeah. Why?
Because I have wasted the last twelve years of my life.
Huh?
"Don't swim after you eat. Don't read in the dark.
Don't stick your head in the ball return."
What are you talking about?
I've been playing it safe all my life...
and where's it gotten me?
Here in a room with you.
Thanks a lot.
I'm talking about risk, Shawn.
Big risk... big reward.
Bigger risk... bigger reward.
Feeny finally taught us something that we can use.
Call your uncle.
You want to risk our hundred bucks?
I Want to live.
ANNOUNCER: The FLyers swept by MontreaL. 6-3.
Forget the stinking Flyers.
Give me the fifth race at Pimlico.
And now the results of the fifth race at PimLico.
Come on, Neck Flap, baby!
And the winner is N...
Nuh? What kind of name is Nuh?
You idiot! You ripped the plug out of the wall.
Well, he said Nuh. It's got to be Neck Flap.
What other horse starts with Nuh?
OK, we got Neck Flap, Nux Vomica...
Nunzio's Dream, and, remarkably a horse called Nuh.
Come on, get on the horn and call your uncle.
Gus, Shawn. Give me Frankie Two Toes.
Frankie Two... why is he called Frankie Two Toes?
Well, I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
Uncle Frank, how'd our horse do?
Yeah. Uh-huh.
What? What's the matter?
I knew we shouldn't have bet on Neck Flap.
All the smart money was on Nuh.
I know, I know. We lost it all.
Uncle Frank says...
We just lost all our money, because we took a risk.
Because We didn't play it safe.
I'll never take another risk as long as I live.
We just won six hundred and eighty bucks.
Let it ride!
Yeah! Yeah!
Let's count it again.
It's been 680 bucks the last 12 times.
Don't you love twenties?
I'm going to go get us a pizza.
Fine. Go. But get a receipt. This is a business dinner.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Two-to-one, that phone rings again.
[RING]
I can't lose.
Matthews and Hunter, entrepreneurs.
Oh, hi, mom. No. Dad left forty minutes ago.
He was dressed real nice for Valentine's Day.
You're going to love him. All right, got to go.
Time is money.
You're busted!
I didn't do anything illegal.
Look, I know you're new at this, so I'll cut you a break.
You're supposed to entertain me!
Forget it, you rug rat.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Five-to-one it's dad.
Hello. Hi, dad.
Ho, I'm good!
No. Mom just called for you.
Well, I'm telling you, she's there.
She's probably in the next phone booth.
OK, bye.
Man, I can't believe mom and dad can't find each other.
How big is this restaurant?
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Mom, dad just called and...
Shawn?
What? Are you kidding me?
Lenny Dykstra? Keep him there.
I don't know, tie him to a chair.
OK, bye.
Morgan, get your coat.
Come on, Morgan. We got to hurry.
Lenny Dykstra's having dinner at Bob Stubchek's Pizza World.
You wouldn't play with me, I'm not going with you.
Morgan.
Morgan, come out of there.
No!
Morgan, if I can get these baseball cards signed...
they're worth a fortune.
What do you say?
What part of "no" don't you understand?
Morgan, come on. He's halfway through his pizza.
Do you understand how important this is?
[TOILET FLUSHES]
Fine, Morgan. You want to stay in there?
I bet you five cupcakes...
that you can't stay in this house all by yourself...
without getting into any trouble.
Six cupcakes.
You're on. I'll be right back.
Cool.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
[MUSIC STOPS]
I hold in my hand one dozen freshly signed...
mint-condition Lenny Dykstra rookie cards.
Getting more valuable every second.
They're more valuable now... now, now.
- Ka-ching! - Ka-ching!
Wait a minute.
I didn't leave the front door open.
Uh-oh.
Morgan!
Shawn, Morgan's gone.
Oh, this is bad. This is bad.
This is bad. This is bad.
This is really bad. This is...
- Mr. Feeny. - Mr. Matthews.
I did a bad thing. I did a terrible thing.
I thought I couldn't lose.
I took a risk I never should have.
Calm down, Mr. Matthews. It's just imaginary money.
No, but it was my real baby sister.
I took a chance and left her by herself.
Someone broke in and kidnapped her.
- Morgan's in the tree house. - What?
Morgan!
This is bad. This is bad. This is bad.
Morgan. It's oK. It's me.
- Too tight. - Sorry.
Here.
I did a bad thing.
No, you didn't. I did a bad thing.
I never should've left you alone.
I broke a Window.
Well, no one's going to know that...
because I'll tell mom and dad that I did it.
Why?
Well, if I hadn't left you alone...
it never would've happened, so it really is my fault.
I promise, I won't let you be in trouble with mom and dad, oK?
OK.
I hope you don't plan on going into babysitting professionally.
ALan. it was humiliating.
How could you go to the wrong restaurant?
Or was proposing to me that forgettable?
I can only say I'm sorry so many times.
How could you forget something so important?
You're right. I am the crass, unfeeling dunderhead...
who forgot that I proposed to you at Chez Lafleur.
Yes, you are. And I may forgive you in time.
What restaurant did you go to anyway?
Can't we just forget about this...
just get on to the romantic part of the evening?
Mm-hmm.
Just tell me. Where did you go?
I Went to Phil's Grill.
Phil's grill? That's... oh.
What? "oh"?
Come on. Let's go inside.
No, wait a minute, wait a minute.
That was a big mistake. "oh."
Can't we just get on...
with the romantic part of the evening, Pooh-bear?
No, wait a minute. No, no, no. Don't you Pooh-bear me.
I did propose to you at Phil's Grill, didn't I?
- Yes, you did. - ooh, I knew it! I knew it.
What happened at Chez Lafleur?
I was proposed to at Chez Lafleur.
Not by me.
Are you hungry? I'm so hungry.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Who proposed to you at Chez Lafleur?
- Mark BraithWaite. - Mark BraithWaite?
Mark BraithWaite proposed to you?
Who is Mark Braithwaite?
- Some guy. - Some guy?
Some random drive-by proposal?
Somebody proposed to you, and you didn't tell me about it?
- No. - Why not?
Oh, 'cause silly me, I thought maybe you'd get angry.
Oh, well, fine. obviously you know me. I don't know you.
Alan!
Did you accept the proposal?
Do you have another set of children in Muncie, lndiana?
Are Vera, Chuck, and Dave...
waiting for their mother to come back...
after stepping out for gum eighteen years ago?
"So the velveteen rabbit said, 'l am a real rabbit."'
- Alan. - Amy, if that's your real name.
Cory, what happened?
It's all my fault. No one else is to blame except me.
But don't worry, dad.
I'm going to pay for it out of my own money.
Your own money? How are you going to do that?
Well, I would tell you...
but the yelling and screaming that would happen...
would only wake up my dear little sister...
who, thank God, is still alive.
Well, based on performance figures to date...
it seems as though...
the Matthews-Hunter Consortium...
is our most profitable corporation.
So, gentlemen, do you have any business tips...
for our other young entrepreneurs?
Yeah. Some people bet on a jockey.
I say, "Give me a horse that can run in the mud."
oh, bravo.
Anything to add, Mr. Matthews?
Yes. The greater the risk...
the greater the potential profit.
Just like you taught us, Mr. Feeny.
Yes, but sometimes the glitter of the profit...
makes one lose sight of the risk.
And you should never gamble anything...
that you can't afford to lose.
- I didn't teach you that. - No, you didn't.
I kind of managed to trip over that one myself.
[BELL RINGS]
You know, Stu, I was so busy counting money yesterday...
I completely forgot to give you your valentine.
So... here.
No hard feelings, eh, big brain?
Should I open it?
I know it's just going to be insulting and mean.
Sticks and stones may break your bones...
but words can never hurt you.
I made that up.
Mm-hmm.
- "Happy Valentine's Day." - Ah.
"Turn around."
Here, mom.
What's this?
It's all the money Shawn and I had left over...
after we paid for the vase and the door.
And you spent it on me?
Easy come, easy go.
Is that from Mark BraithWaite?
No. It's from Cory Matthews.
Well, in case it gets lonely.
Pooh-bear, they're beautiful. Why?
Because this was the worst Valentine's Day of my life.
Including the time that Margie Dwyer...
told all the girls in fifth grade I had cooties...
and they threw my cards away.
Oh.
And I was thinking...
that you may have been proposed to twice...
but you only said yes once...
and I'm glad it was me.
Happy Valentine's Day, Boom-Boom.
So...
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